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Temat: HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH????
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH????
www.yuckles.com presents
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH
If all else fails, consider dry cleaning!
METHOD #1: CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART
1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on
that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an
open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If
your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the
tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to
take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred
a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)
2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin
from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to
dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey
face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,
slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with
shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more
than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then
spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The
national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part
will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point
and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple
compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat
is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and
wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your
army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose
and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from
the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot
of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and
develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As
a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you
for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he
smells a lot better.
METHOD #2: FLUSH 'N FLUFF
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids
lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you
may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his
paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and
rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he
will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
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ROBERT KAGAN: PROFILE
All he says is that "Americans are from Mars, Europeans from Venus". But at a
time of unprecedented dissent between US leaders and their continental
counterparts, Robert Kagan's pithy turn of (para)phrase has made him one of the
most popular theorists of our times.
Dual perspective
Of Paradise and Power, his study of the differing approaches to military
strategy in the western world, has become required reading for every ambassador
to the European Union, and has pushed Kagan into the publishing stratosphere.
By what he calls a "freak accident", he has achieved the rare feat of turning
foreign policy into a bestseller.
The author is well placed for a dual perspective on US and European attitudes.
A senior associate at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, he is
based at Europe's nominal power hub in Brussels. But, as a graduate of both
Yale and Harvard universities, he is steeped in America's deepest academic
traditions.
And, as a former speechwriter to then Secretary of State George Schultz, Kagan
knows all about how these traditions shape US foreign policy today. As a
seasoned observer of America's tendency to favour the stick over the carrot, he
calls the chasm with Europe "deep, long in development and likely to endure".
Simple argument?
Kagan disputes that the US's attitude was altered by the events of 11
September. He says that the country "only became more itself" in its
intolerance for the enemy. In contrast, Kagan believes Europe to be entering
a "post-historical period" when, tired of 20th-century violence, diplomacy and
negotiation present the only way forward.
The author's critics accuse him of over-simplifying the argument, overlooking
the influences of economic and cultural strength as well as military, and also
a certain brutalism in his acceptance that "American power, even deployed under
a double standard, may be the best means of advancing progress".
Henry Kissinger has called Kagan's work a "seminal treatise", but Gore Vidal
describes him as being "in the grip of a most unseemly megalomania, speaking
for no-one but political hustlers within the Washington beltway". Surely a book
on differing attitudes to Robert Kagan must not be far away.
Caroline Frost
===============================================================================
www.newamericancentury.org/iraqclintonletter.htm
www.newamericancentury.org/Bushletter.htm
Temat: Economy slowing after solid growth
A Piece of Good Advice cont.
Internet technologies provide sufficient
instrumentalities for executing such stock transactions
instantaneously. The rigged casinos, known as stock
exchanges, will never reopen. They are history.
An amendment to the Constitution of the United States
abolishing personal income, estate, and gift taxes and
prohibiting the United States Government from engaging in
the business in competition with its citizens will be
resubmitted in Congress tomorrow morning. The present
system of taxation shall continue temporarily until it is
overhauled in accordance with the new tax legislation.
Effective immediately, Social Security Administration
shall be placed in receivership, and all Social Security
payroll deductions shall be deposited in the special
departments of the local banks, to the individual
accounts of the beneficiaries from whose paychecks they
were withheld. Maintaining such departments shall be the
public service of the local banks in consideration for
yearly renewal of their banking charters. All these
departments in aggregate shall constitute new National
Pension Fund. NPF shall pay interest on all pension
deposits at the rate not lower than 1 basis point per day
(3.65% per annum), and shall charge interest on mortgage
loans at the rate not higher than 2 basis points per day
(7.3% per annum). Net annual profits of NPF operations
shall be distributed as dividends to individual
depositors in proportion to their deposits maintained at
the NPF.
There shall be no compulsion for anyone to maintain
his/her pension money at the NPF. Once the payroll
deduction is deposited at the NPF, the beneficiary will
be free to write a check against it at any time. It shall
be each citizen's own responsibility to provide for
his/her retirement. The NPF will only provide banking
infrastructure to make it easier to accomplish.
The government will of course assume responsibility for
continuing Social Security benefits now due, and for
equalizing benefits to new retirees in the coming years,
for whom NPF system will not be able to produce adequate
pensions in time for their retirement. These benefits
will be paid from the Treasury's general fund.
To assure that the purchasing power of people's savings
will remain undiminished, the orderly transition to
silver and gold money shall be arranged.
US Mint will begin production of the new 5 grams and 10
grams gold coins, made of standard monetary gold .900
fine, and their value in new cents and in grams of silver
will be determined by the free market. Already existing
gold coins, domestic or foreign, will of course be
accepted at their gold content in grams .900 fine.
The ultimate objective is to develop uniform worldwide
monetary system where 1 gram of standard monetary silver
will be the unit of account in daily commerce, and 1 gram
of standard monetary gold for big-ticket items and in
international commerce.
Well, you will have plenty to think about tonight. For
the benefit of those who missed it, or who need further
clarification, this address will be re-broadcast every
hour tonight and tomorrow. This reform only appears
overwhelming and earth shattering. In reality, it is very
simple, and it will change your life very much for the
better.
Thank you for listening. Good Night.
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